Brokenness

Every morning I try to spend some time writing in my prayer journal (although sometimes I just don’t get it done).  Here’s an excerpt from this morning’s entry.

Father, I really don’t understand it.  I have a great wife, declining personal debt, a wonderful church, very good health, a trip on the horizon to Russia, and yet despite all these things I feel very broken in spirit.  I could get a mental grasp on it more if I was in the midst of very hard circumstances, but I’m really not.  Perhaps as I think about things, about life, about ministry, about the future, I realize that without You and Your Spirit living in me and working through me, I am nothing.  What I do, even at my best moments, doesn’t amount to a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things without You in it.  Your Word says in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

Perhaps Father coming to grips with that truth is the reason for the brokenness.   My ego would like to think that it is all about me, my talent, my experience, my abilities, etc.  The reality however is that my life is all about You.

I have no idea what You have in mind for me in regards to future ministry — I can’t predict what is going to happen on the Russia trip, in my pastorate at Nitro FBC, in my family and personal life. I am powerless in that regard — the only thing I know for sure is that You are with me and that Your grace will be sufficient for anything and everything I face.

I can pretty much count on You taking me beyond my comfort zone — that is something You do well and often.  It is there that I grow, and experience Your refining, transforming power. Hebrews 12:5-11 comes to mind:
“And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Today Father I yield myself to You.  I don’t know what You have in store, I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that You are all-loving, and that nothing takes You by surprise.  Romans 8:28 says,  “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. “

Your way is always best, and my trust is in You this morning.

Finally, 1 Peter 5:6-7 says,
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

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